Probably Incorrect NFC Predictions

I covered the AFC in this space yesterday, surmising that it was basically the Patriots and everyone else.  Yipee, like Brady and Belichick need to win any goddamn more.

Today, I’m going to run down the NFC and in addition to my NFC Champion pick, I will reveal my Super Bowl pick as well because I might as well just get being wrong out of the way now. Let’s get this thing going.

Philadelphia Eagles — The “Dream Team” will try to rebound from last year’s atrocious performance.  That wasn’t even a step back, it was like a hurricane-force wind threw them backwards through the air and they flew through a brick wall like an action movie. Just a mess.  So naturally, everyone is picking them to win the NFC East this year.  Michael Vick is apparently made of porcelin and probably won’t make it past week 2 without missing some time. Shady McCoy is due for a torn ACL. And calling DeSean Jackson “moody” would be an upgrade for him.  Plus, this defense sucked balls last year and probably won’t turn into a dominant unit. Record: 9-7

New York Giants — Tom Coughlin must cream his Depends every time he hears about another ridiculous Tebow/Sanchez/Jets story. They’re the Super Bowl Champions ferchrissakes yet they barely get any coverage because of the clusterfuck that is the Jets.  Eli Manning, who looks like he might be legitimately retarded, will continue to get better considering he has one of the best receiving corps in the league with Hakeem Nix and Victor Cruz.  But the way things always work with this team is that they’ll underachieve for awhile before putting together a late run. Record: 10-6

Dallas Cowboys — When was the last time this team was actually a contender and not some fabricated contender hyped up by the media and Cowboys fans? I’m pretty sure it was during a time when Troy Aikman was still permanently concussed. Tony Romo remains a pretty good second-tier quarterback and will obviously have a stigma until he wins a playoff game or at least doesn’t fuck up colossally. Dez Bryant is totally insane and the next logical step from punching your own mother in the face is to just go off the deep end and murder a teammate.  The guy has to be surrounded by a security team at all times and not because he’s super famous.  I’m sure it’ll work out for “America’s Team”. Record: 7-9

Washington Redskins — Poor Robert Griffin.  RG3 seems like a genuinely nice kid and seems like he has a bright future.  He’s throwing to the vastly overrated Pierre Garcon, Santana Moss (whom I didn’t realize was even still in the league and was mildly suprised that he was PLAYING somewhere, let alone starting), and handing the ball off to the magnificently shitty duo of Tim Hightower and Roy Helu.  Not to mention that Mike Shanahan is going to conform RG3’s talents to his own system instead of doing it the other way around like you should with a #2 overall pick. Record: 5-11

Green Bay Packers — If there’s a team in the NFL that could get away with not attempting to run once all season, it’s this one. Aaron Rodgers is insanely good, though the system might be a pretty good one since it made Matt Flynn look good enough that he was able to fleece Seattle out of $10M guaranteed. Still, Rodgers will throw a ton and they have a pretty good defense even if they did take a huge step back last year. But they better hope they underachieve enough to end up playing a road playoff game in a dome because this team was built to play in a dome yet plays in the friggin’ cold, which admittedly is an overrated factor but still. I’m sure they’ll have a few late round picks/undrafted free agents emerge and Gregg Easterbrook can fondle himself to that late at night. Record: 12-4

Chicago Bears: — I don’t know how to feel about Jay Cutler. I have nothing against him because he’s never had an impact on me or my team but I can’t help but notice how disinterested he looks all the time. Maybe it was because he didn’t have anyone to throw to, maybe Sam Hurd hooked him up with some killer weed that really mellowed him out. I don’t know. I do know that Matt Forte got paid so he’ll probably join Chris Johnson as an overpaid pile of shit. Brandon Marshall was acquired and the team pretended to know that he punched a woman in the face even though they probably didn’t. Or they didn’t care because Marshall punching a woman in the face sounds like par for the course for him. As for the defense, why do people just assume every Bears defense is good? They weren’t bad last year but Brian Urlacher is probably the most fragile defensive player in the league and the rest of the defense is getting pretty old.  Still, the prospect of this offense reaching another level with Cutler throwing to Marshall leaves a lot of potential out there. Record: 10-6

Detroit Lions — This team can’t handle notoriety and expectations for five minutes without wanting to ruin it.  Seven(!!) arrests in the off-season obviously leave a lot of questions about maturity and discipline and all that but really, they were mostly marijuana charges and who didn’t know that most of these guys probably like to smoke a bowl or twelve? Still, Ndamukong Suh is always a threat to commit the games’ first on field homicide so maybe being lax about this isn’t the way to go.  Like the Packers, the Lions have no ground game mostly because their running backs are terrible (Kevin Smith) or their brains are jello (Jahvid Best) but who cares because Matt Stafford threw for 5,000 yards and Megatron is far and away the best receiver in the galaxy. Can’t wait for Stafford to suffer his annual shoulder injury followed by Megatron wishing death on Shaun Hill for the length of the injury. Record: 9-7

Minnesota Vikings — Early front-runners in the Matt Barkley sweepstakes, this team is awful. With Adrian Peterson recovering from a blown up knee and Percy Harvin a threat to go down with a migraine, Christian Ponder is probably the next best player on this offense (Matt Khalil has done nothing yet and I know shit about o-linemen so I stand by my statement). Jared Allen is by himself on this defense, the lone stud of the group.  He’ll white trash his way to another 15 sacks but it’ll be totally worthless because they’ll probably be trailing in every game. Record: 4-12

Atlanta Falcons — People keep comparing this team to pre-Super Bowl Colts and Matt Ryan to Peyton Manning. “Matty Ice”, which sounds like the douchiest frat boy name of all time, can’t win a playoff game ala Manning but the key missing here is that Ryan is a second-tier quarterback whereas Manning and his gigantic head were elite.  Ryan has no excuses now with Roddy White and Julio Jones catching passes and the aging but affecting Michael Turner behind him. Time to graduate from being a BRUH and become a man, Matt. Record: 11-5

New Orleans Saints — I never really agreed with Bountygate and why everyone was up in arms with the whole thing. This is a violent game where people love huge, nasty hits and anyone who was upset over a bunch of meatheads trying to hurt other meatheads needs to get some fucking perspective.  That said, I don’t think losing Sean Payton for the year is going to have an astronomical impact because Drew Brees and that splotch on his face are just too good. He’ll probably throw 84 times a game and cover up a pretty awful defense for good chunks of the year.  Also: how the hell did it take as long as it did to sign Brees? The guy is your franchise, he led you out of the gutters and all the way to a SUPER BOWL. He probably sells more jersey’s than everyone else who’s ever had a Saints jersey COMBINED. And you cheap fucks didn’t want to just cut him a blank check and tell him to fill it in? Record: 10-6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — I really have no idea what to make of this team.  They had a suprise year two years ago before letting expectations totally crush them last year.  Josh Freeman looked like an up-and-coming young quarterback until he decided to hand out “free interception” coupons to everyone in the league last year. The team had a good off-season, adding stud safety Mark Barron and running back Doug Martin via the draft as well as Dallas Clark and Vincent Jackson via free agency.  I have no idea what to make of these guys, I seriously don’t but playing in this division is going to be a bitch so while I think the Bucs improve but probably not make the playoffs. Not that the city of Tampa cares, they’re all too busy checking their bingo cards. Record: 8-8

Carolina Panthers — Cam Newton is pretty good, it turns out. Combined with an already pretty good ground game led by DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, Newton adds a Tebow-only-good dimension to the redzone offense.  Steve Smith is still around, acting as the best target for Cam Newton and resident crazy man who is a threat to shatter your jaw if you WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT *PUNCH*. Seriously, if I ever ran into Steve Smith on the street, I would just curl into the fetal position and cry.  The defense has a ton of talent and potential but is good for about three blown knees per season which totally warrants all the money the team spent.  Not quite there yet but definitely a team on the rise. Record: 7-9

San Francisco 49ers — The defense was very good last year and should be again with Patrick Willis mowing down running backs like Donte Stallworth mows down pedestrians.  Frank Gore keeps defying his doubters but he’s 29 and has a history of being fragile so the wheels have to come flying off soon.  Randy Moss is nothing but a recognizable game at this point and anyone expecting him to have a huge impact is an idiot. Not to mention his quarterback is still Alex Smith who is awful.  Being “okay” in this division probably gets you 9-7, a pretty good team like ‘Frisco will run away with this division. Record: 12-4

Seattle Seahawks — Another good defense, albeit a bit younger and not quite as dominant, Seattle has set itself up to be a potential sleeper team. But that offense, dear sweet Jeebus.  Yeah, Marshawn Lynch is back but he just got paid and celebrated by getting a DUI. But hey, at least you didn’t hit anyone or have a gun in your trunk, right? Russell Wilson might be a good quarterback someday but if you’re a Seattle fan are you really feeling good about the fact that a third round pick just beat out a guy your team gave $10M guaranteed to for the starting quarterback job?  All that said, if Wilson isn’t a disaster and Lynch can go back to trucking defenders instead of other drivers, the Seahawks could make noise. Record: 9-7

Arizona Cardinals — This team had an actual quarterback battle between Kevin Kolb and John Skelton.  And Skelton won it.  When Larry Fitzgerald murderers Skelton after he air-mails a pass for the 305th time on the season, no one will convict him.  Skelton will have had it coming. Supposedly, this defense is pretty good but you’d never know it after watching their pre-season games. This season has all the makings of a train wreck season where Kolb is cut, Ken Wisenhunt is fired, and Fitzgerald demands a trade.  Can’t wait. Record: 6-10

St.Louis Rams — This is a team that can’t surprise me.  They could be awful enough to earn the #1 pick and I wouldn’t be surprised. They could put together a 8 or 9 win season and I wouldn’t be surprised.  There is a lot of young talent on defense and Sam Bradford is entering year 3 so who the hell knows.  But with Danny Amendola and Brandon Gibson (no seriously, check out how terrible their receivers are) as the top two receivers on this team, they’ll depend heavily on Steven Jackson again and I just have to wonder how long until Jackson finally falls apart like Humpty Dumpty. Record: 5-11

The NFC is deep and I think there is at least one team from each division who could make a run to the Super Bowl whereas the AFC is basically the goddamn Patriots again and then everyone else (fuck the Texans, that’s a letdown waiting to happen). That said, the Packers and 49ers stand out above the Falcons and Giants to me.  I think the Packers defense gets its shit together just enough to make it to the big game. NFC Champion: Green Bay Packers

So we’re left with a Packers/Patriots Super Bowl. Brady vs Rodgers on the big stage.  This could potentially be the most exciting Super Bowl ever since both guys like to throw the shit out of the ball, neither offense is very good at running it,  and neither team is particularly thrilled about playing defense. Expect a shootout that would make Madden gamers stammer like they were being forced to speak to a female, with Brady failing in the final seconds just one more time. Super Bowl Champion: Green Bay Packers

From there, expect much verbal-fellatio for Aaron Rodgers and every scrappy (read: WHITE) guy on the roster.  Then it’s another seven months of sadness.

Probably Incorrect AFC Predictions

FOOTBAW! It’s here at long last, kicking off on September 6th with the Giants hosting the Cowboys.

After an entire summer of over-hyping stories because no one gives a shit about baseball, pretending to be interested by pre-season games, and hoping no one pulls a Korey Stringer at training camps across the country, we have a pretty good idea of what teams are going to look like.

I’m here to give you my opinion.  Mind you, that opinion is probably incorrect as it is fueled by ignorance and a bit of hatred for all non-Bills teams and a lot of hatred for all New England based teams.

Let’s get this show on the road. A sidenote: this thing was originally supposed to be the entire league but it’s running long so I’m splitting it up with the NFC coming tomorrow.

New England Patriots — The Pats are annoyingly good. Tom Brady is 35 years old but he’s still the second best quarterback in the league. He throws to average white guys and turns guys like Deon Branch into functioning receivers before getting Brandon Lloyd this year.  That’s in addition to the freakish, pornstar-banging tight end combo of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez.

Their defense was a joke but not one that makes you laugh, just one of those jokes that makes you uncomfortable and leaves you feeling awful you just heard it.  But with their offense, they could trot out 11 paraplegics and still win 12 games.  Record: 12-4

Buffalo Bills — I’m trying to remain a level-headed person in regards to my expectations for this year because I’m a Bills fan and while God may not hate Buffalo fans quite like Cleveland fans (at least we’ve made a Super Bowl), he still enjoys toying with us.  If they remain healthy, the Bills will be a force. The offense is GOOD and should get better if the line remains in tact and Fitzpatrick has time to do more than worry about being murdered. The defense should be vastly improved provided the high-school-quality linebackers they’re starting don’t hamper the unit. And that schedule is soft as soft can be. The playoff drout, est. 1999, ends this year. Record: 10-6

New York Jets — I love everything they’re doing.  Don’t shore up a terrible offensive line? Check. Undermine your young, struggling quarterback by bringing in a cultural icon to be his “backup”? Check.  There aren’t enough foot fetish videos on the planet to keep Rex Ryan happy throughout this season. Can’t wait for Antonio Cromartie to fight a wide receiver to death then celebrate his victory by impregnating another woman. Record: 7-9

Miami Dolphins — Sweet Jeebus on a stick is this a poorly run franchise.  Look, I get that they swung for Peyton Manning and missed. It happens.  I get reaching for Ryan Tannehill (I don’t agree with it) but what I don’t get is why you would put this project of a quarterback in the fire and ruin him when you already know this season isn’t resulting in a playoff trip.  But hey, can’t wait for their next “solution” at QB to follow in the long line of terrible quarterbacks this team has fielded. Record: 5-11

Pittsburgh Steelers — If Ben Roethlisberger gets anymore worn down, they’re going to need to create a predominantly cyborg body like he’s goddamn Darth Vader.  I can already see Dan Rooney screaming “you were the chosen one!” Still, this team has talent even if it’s approaching the point where they need hospice care.  They’ll manage to put together a decent season, get into the playoffs, and prominently lose in the Wild Card. Mike Wallace is guaranteed to ruin so many Fantasy Football teams this year, I feel like someone should just create fuckmikewallace.com and get it out of the way. Record: 9-7

Baltimore Ravens — No Terrell Suggs hurts the team, especially when the corpse of Ray Lewis is still starting at MLB and Ed Reed is guaranteed to miss a few games with various injuries. Their defense is still pretty good despite all that, mostly because Haloti Ngata murders everything in his path, and the offense is solid with potential to grow as long as Flacco and Rice play up to their levels. But someone, Torrey Smith probably, needs to step up at receiver since Anquan Boldin is already over the hill preparing to crash at the bottom of said hill. Record: 10-6

Cincinnati Bengals — AJ Green is a stud and Andy Dalton is going to be a good second-tier quarterback someday.  But there’s no way a team this young can repeat their performance from last year.  They really need the lawfirm of Benjarvis Green-Ellis to step up and hope that defense can repeat their sterling performance from last year.  Oh and staying out of jail probably helps, too. Record: 8-8

Cleveland Browns — If I didn’t hate this team and city so much, I would feel sympathy for them.  Actually, I wouldn’t, I’d just laugh at how much they sucked before remembering I’m a Bills fan and just looking at the floor.  This team used a first round pick on a 28-year-old quarterback to follow their selection of a running back with bad knees.  Jeebus, I really think this is the place where inept executives go to die.  Potential subplot this year: Colt McCoy may secretly plot the murder of Brandon Wheeden so that he can gain the starting job, only to lose it when the new owner cleans house after the year.  Good times! Record: 3-13

Houston Texans — Matt Schaub is still there. Ditto Andre Johnson and Arian Foster. Their defense will probably be pretty good again despite losing Mario Williams.  And this division would be the weakest in the NFL if it weren’t for the abomination that is the NFC West.  This team is going to run the shit out of the ball but the question will be if they can avoid the injury bug this year or at least do so at more opportune times. Record: 11-5

Tennessee Titans — Chris Johnson, who got fat and sucky as soon as he got paid, is supposedly back to his CJ2K days.  I remain skeptical because that guy has “fantasy murderer” written all over him.  Kenny Britt can be scary but sometimes that’s because he’s driving with a .25 BAC and not because he’s good at catching footballs. Also, Jake Locker (Blaine Gabbert 2.0) is starting.  What’s that? Pencil them in for 6-10? I couldn’t agree more. Record: 6-10

Jacksonville Jaguars — This team starts Blaine Gabbert 1.0 and is fighting with its only good player, Maurice Jones-Drew.  They drafted a wide receiver who’s on pace to have more DUI’s than catches (Justin Blackmon). Not to mention this might be the most boring team in the NFL playing in one of the worst markets in the NFL. Just move these guys to LA already. Record: 5-11

Indianapolis Colts — So Andrew Luck looks like the real deal. I’m sure the fat, bandwagon fans in Indianapolis will love him soon enough even though they’re all still too busy whining about the team cutting Peyton Manning.  Even though it was the smart move and the team is literally the luckiest in the league after getting 13 years of one of the greatest quarterbacks ever before seamlessly transitioning into the best quarterback prospect in 30 years. Fuck Indianapolis, they don’t deserve any of this. Record: 5-11

Denver Broncos — Speaking of Manning, his new team is horribly overrated but they play in a shoddy division where literally anyone could take it. He has weapons and a pretty solid defense but I remain leery of Manning and his ability to not get paralyzed. I do not look forward to constantly seeing shots of John Elway and his horseteeth whenever Manning is mentioned during broadcasts.  Record: 9-7

San Diego Chargers — If Ryan Matthews’ injury wasn’t an omen, I don’t know what is.  But the disappointment that will be the Chargers’ 2012 season has a silver lining:  Norv Turner almost certainly has to get fired. I’m amazed he hasn’t so far. Few coaches screw up quite like Norv.  Does he have pictures of owner Alex Spanos blowing a horse or something? His employment as an NFL head coach is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Record: 7-9

Kansas City Chiefs — People still think this is a potentially good team. Jamaal Charles is a fragile little man and backup Peyton Hillis is an overrated scrub.  Matt Cassell should be kissing Bill Belichick’s ass on a daily basis for the contract the Chiefs gave him. And most importantly, Romeo Crennel is the head coach.  Didn’t that experiment fail once already?  But hey, he led the team to a win over the then-unbeaten Packers so surely he’s the man for the job! Enjoy your 6-10 season and about 3 weeks of a healthy Charles before he goes out for the year. Record: 6-10

Oakland Raiders — This team is the biggest wild card in the AFC. They have talent and definitely have potential.  But can Carson Palmer really not throw 3 picks a game? Can Darren McFadden play more than six minutes without getting hurt? Will Al Davis’ zombie corpse rise from the dead and terrorize the Black Hole? I’d say the latter has a better chance of happening before a Raiders playoff appearance. Record: 7-9

Who’s going to come out of the AFC? I mean, it really looks like the Patriots and everybody else at this point. The Ravens are the closest but with no Suggs and a declining Boldin they’re not even really that close. Brady is still ridiculous, Belichick is still the best coach in football, and they somehow have an easy schedule despite being an elite team for a freakin’ decade now. Can someone Tonya Harding ol’ pretty boy’s knee, please? AFC Champion: New England Patriots

8 NFL Sub-Plots in 2012

We’re a week away from September already, which, thank Jeebus. Ignoring baseball and the olympics has kept me busy all summer and I’m ready for some FOOTBAW. As a Bills fan, I have feelings of hope and expectations for my team which are both foreign and frightening.

This year’s season has a ton of interesting subplots that deserve covering (at least to me and that’s all that matters).  Some have been discussed ad nauseum, some not nearly enough or at all.  Well I’m going to fix that by beating already dead horses and creating a few more. Let’s jump in.

Saints Bountygate

Yeah, I’m well aware the whole Bountygate thing has been beaten to death many times over but it’s going to be something that will be talked about all season because several teams have guys suspended for large chunks of the season and the Saints will be without head coach Sean Payton for the entire year.

Roger Goodell needs to be stopped.  You care about player safety but the prospect of additional games is still out there?  Totally seems like you’re interested in player safety, Roger. These are grown men who expect to be functioning retards when their playing careers are over.  Let them bash every brain cell they have out of their skulls for my entertainment. I paid good money (got it for free but that’s semantics!) for this NFL Sunday Ticket!

Look, I get why the suspensions were handed out and a big deal was made of this whole thing.  But let’s face facts here — NFL players know they’re playing a violent game that will ultimately destroy their bodies and, in some cases, their minds.  NFL fans mostly just want to see a bunch of big guys beat the shit out of each other.  The few fans left over to ride their high-horses can ride them off a cliff. I WANT BLOOD.

Tebowing All Over the Sanchize

I’d rather hear about Bountygate and Bountygate only for the next five years if I never have to hear another goddamn report about Jesus appearing before Tim Tebow while he takes a holy dump or talk that Mark Sanchez might be replaced because he sucks at his job (he really is awful at what he does).  If any angle deserved minimal to no coverage, it was this shitshow.

Anyone expecting Tebow to repeat his season-long miracle from 2011 is a full-fledged idiot. NO ONE knows how the hell he did what he did last year other than crazy Christians who believe God influenced that awful throwing motion to go 2/13 every game.  He’s a glorified H-Back right now and probably wouldn’t even be good at that. But I don’t even hate him.  He unintentionally trolls every former-player-turned-talking-head everytime he wins.  Steve Young looked like he was one more unbelieveable Tebow performance away from murdering Tim and pissing on his grave.  Hi-larious.

As for Mark Sanchez, well, he’ll continue to blow.  Because that’s what he does. And any tard who continues to say he “led” them to two AFC title games needs to realize that the team did it IN SPITE of the Sanchize. That defense was awesome for a little while and almost dragged the Dirty Sanchize to a Super Bowl. Which would have been a friggin’ travesty. God, I hate Mark Sanchez.

Peyton Manning Has a New Team

What? You didn’t know this? We’ve only heard the same news reports since goddamn January.  Yes, Peyton Manning has a new team.  No, we don’t really know how his neck is or if he’ll be anything close to the guy who threw for 40 TDs a year before throwing a crippling interception in the divisional round. What we do know is that he was the only man who could have possibly killed Tebowmania in Denver and he did just that. I bet John Elway would’ve offered to blow Manning to get him to Denver just to get rid of Tebow. Horse Teeth hated him some Tebow.

Manning will have weapons to work with — a solid running game with Willis McGahee and Knowshon Moreno, a potential gamebreaker in Demaryius Thomas, and I’m sure he’ll turn Eric Decker into the next “scrappy white guy receiver” that guys like Gregg Easterbrook jerk off to at night.  I fully expect the Broncos to make the playoffs before suffering a meltdown and bowing out in round one.

Rookie QBs Galore

What originally was supposed to be two definite rookie starting quarterbacks heading into the draft has somehow turned into four definite opening day starters with a potential fifth in the works. Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III were predestined to start for whoever took them but they’ll be joined by Brandon Wheeden, Ryan Tannehill, and possibly Russell Wilson.

Luck and Griffin are world-class talents and have been talked about to death so there’s not much to add there.  But the others? What the hell happened with the organizations in Cleveland, Miami, and Seattle that things are run so ass-backwards? Cleveland took Wheeden, who’s about four years away from retirement.  Ryan Tannehill was a wide receiver just two years ago and should be sitting on the bench all year but I guess there’s not a lot to learn when the guys ahead of you are Matt Moore and David Garrad. RIP to Tannehill’s career but hey, at least he has a really hot wife. As for Wilson, I actually like him as a player but what does this say about Matt Flynn that the guy the team just gave all this money to can’t even get handed the job? Flynn should wear a top hat and a moustache to practice every day, twirling it while he maniacally laughs at the heist he pulled off on the franchise.  Haven’t seen a robbery like that since The Dark Knight.

Can Cam Newton Make The Leap?

Newton, a rookie last year, put up ridiculous stats last year: 4,051 passing yards, 35 total touchdowns (14 of them rushing), 700+ rushing yards. Can he possibly repeat that or somehow surpass it?  Well, he still has Steve Smith who is both very good at catching footballs and scaring the shit out of everyone. Seriously, Steve Smith will break your jaw if you look at him the wrong way.

There’s also a pretty good backfield tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to take the heat off of Newton when the team wants to pass.  He’s obviously a threat to run and while that’s garnered him many Michael Vick comparisons, he’s probably not a threat to be broken in half every other play like Vick.  Breaking news: Vick just scratched his arm and accidentally amputated it. A little bit fragile, that Vick.

I have to expect Newton will take a slight step back but I’m not really sure why other than I’m cynical and I expect good things to eventually suck. Cam might put up the first 3,000 yards passing/1,000 yards rushing season in the history of ever. He’s kind of good at what he does.

Norv Turner’s Last Stand

I have nothing against the San Diego Chargers. I don’t particularly care for them but I also don’t hate them.  But Norv Turner has to go.  How this guy has managed to keep his job is nothing short of incredible and the sad fact is that, when the Chargers underachieve and he’s finally fired at the end of the year, he’ll no doubt find some dumbass sad-sack franchise to hire him on as their head coach.

His history of ineptness and playoff letdowns are well known by now but if you didn’t know anything about Norv, the fact that there’s a meme called “Idiot Football Coach” with Norv’s picture plastered all over it (see right) should be the tipoff you were looking for.  Good luck to the Chiefs who will undoubtedly hire Norv when they realize Romeo Crennel sucks.

Lions and Bengals in Competition to See Who Can Get Arrested More

The Bengals set a torrid pace from 2009-2011 with eight arrests and seemed to be taking over the mantle of the “Jail Blazers of the NFL”.  Not so fast.  The Lions, just now becoming respectable after 20+ years of being a laughinstock, decided to do one better by racking up seven arrests JUST THIS OFFSEASON.

Aaron Berry really did his part, getting a DUI and simple assault charges brought against him all inside of 30 days.  Nick Fairley, too, racking up a marijuana possession as well as a DUI/evasion charge as well. Not to be outdone, Mikel Leshoure was arrested twice on marijuana possession. Johnny Culbreath was a slacker and only got busted once for marijuana.

I think we all know where this is leading.  Ndamukong Suh will stomp a replacement referee to death after a blown call only no one will care because these replacement refs suck.  I got your back, Suh!

Homerism Alert: The Bills Will Make The Playoffs

Yeah, you read it.  Since the Mario Williams/Mark Anderson signings I’ve been saying it. John Clayton and others have since stepped up and predicted the same.  The Buffalo Bills will end their playoff drout this season.

It’s not that I think this team is great but I think the re-vamped defense, the improved and healthy offensive line, and a healthy Fitzpatrick in combination with a weak schedule will do wonders for the Bills record. I still advance with some cautious optimism but this should look like a real team that actually belongs in most of its games. Of course, saying that, Williams will be a massive bust, injuries will destroy the team, and Fitzpatrick will throw 40 interceptions.

There are tons of storylines headed into the season and I’m sure that many more will emerge.  See you at Suh’s stomping-death trial.