We’re a week away from September already, which, thank Jeebus. Ignoring baseball and the olympics has kept me busy all summer and I’m ready for some FOOTBAW. As a Bills fan, I have feelings of hope and expectations for my team which are both foreign and frightening.
This year’s season has a ton of interesting subplots that deserve covering (at least to me and that’s all that matters). Some have been discussed ad nauseum, some not nearly enough or at all. Well I’m going to fix that by beating already dead horses and creating a few more. Let’s jump in.
Saints Bountygate
Yeah, I’m well aware the whole Bountygate thing has been beaten to death many times over 
but it’s going to be something that will be talked about all season because several teams have guys suspended for large chunks of the season and the Saints will be without head coach Sean Payton for the entire year.
Roger Goodell needs to be stopped. You care about player safety but the prospect of additional games is still out there? Totally seems like you’re interested in player safety, Roger. These are grown men who expect to be functioning retards when their playing careers are over. Let them bash every brain cell they have out of their skulls for my entertainment. I paid good money (got it for free but that’s semantics!) for this NFL Sunday Ticket!
Look, I get why the suspensions were handed out and a big deal was made of this whole thing. But let’s face facts here — NFL players know they’re playing a violent game that will ultimately destroy their bodies and, in some cases, their minds. NFL fans mostly just want to see a bunch of big guys beat the shit out of each other. The few fans left over to ride their high-horses can ride them off a cliff. I WANT BLOOD.
Tebowing All Over the Sanchize
I’d rather hear about Bountygate and Bountygate only for the next five years if I never have to hear another goddamn report about Jesus appearing before Tim Tebow while he takes a holy dump or talk that Mark Sanchez might be replaced because he sucks at his job (he really is awful at what he does). If any angle deserved minimal to no coverage, it was this shitshow.
Anyone expecting Tebow to repeat his season-long miracle from 2011 is a full-fledged idiot. NO ONE knows how the hell he did what he did last year other than crazy Christians who believe God influenced that awful throwing motion to go 2/13 every 
game. He’s a glorified H-Back right now and probably wouldn’t even be good at that. But I don’t even hate him. He unintentionally trolls every former-player-turned-talking-head everytime he wins. Steve Young looked like he was one more unbelieveable Tebow performance away from murdering Tim and pissing on his grave. Hi-larious.
As for Mark Sanchez, well, he’ll continue to blow. Because that’s what he does. And any tard who continues to say he “led” them to two AFC title games needs to realize that the team did it IN SPITE of the Sanchize. That defense was awesome for a little while and almost dragged the Dirty Sanchize to a Super Bowl. Which would have been a friggin’ travesty. God, I hate Mark Sanchez.
Peyton Manning Has a New Team
What? You didn’t know this? We’ve only heard the same news reports since goddamn January. Yes, Peyton Manning has a new team. No, we don’t really know how his neck is or if he’ll be anything close to the guy who threw for 40 TDs a year before throwing a crippling interception in the divisional round. What we do know is that he was the only man who could have possibly killed Tebowmania in Denver and he did just that. I bet John Elway would’ve offered to blow Manning to get him to Denver just to get rid of Tebow. Horse Teeth hated him some Tebow.
Manning will have weapons to work with — a solid running game with Willis McGahee and Knowshon Moreno, a potential gamebreaker in Demaryius Thomas, and I’m sure he’ll turn Eric Decker into the next “scrappy white guy receiver” that guys like Gregg Easterbrook jerk off to at night. I fully expect the Broncos to make the playoffs before suffering a meltdown and bowing out in round one.
Rookie QBs Galore
What originally was supposed to be two definite rookie starting quarterbacks heading into the draft has somehow turned into four definite opening day starters with a potential fifth in the works. Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III were predestined to start for whoever took them but they’ll be joined by Brandon Wheeden, Ryan Tannehill, and possibly Russell Wilson.
Luck and Griffin are world-class talents and have been talked about to death so there’s not much to add there. But the others? What the hell happened with the organizations in Cleveland, Miami, and Seattle that things are run so ass-backwards? Cleveland took Wheeden, who’s about four years away from retirement. Ryan Tannehill was a wide receiver just two years ago and should be sitting on the bench all year but I guess there’s not a lot to learn when the guys ahead of you are Matt Moore and David Garrad. RIP to Tannehill’s career but hey, at least he has a really hot wife. As for Wilson, I actually like him as a player but what does this say about Matt Flynn 
that the guy the team just gave all this money to can’t even get handed the job? Flynn should wear a top hat and a moustache to practice every day, twirling it while he maniacally laughs at the heist he pulled off on the franchise. Haven’t seen a robbery like that since The Dark Knight.
Can Cam Newton Make The Leap?
Newton, a rookie last year, put up ridiculous stats last year: 4,051 passing yards, 35 total touchdowns (14 of them rushing), 700+ rushing yards. Can he possibly repeat that or somehow surpass it? Well, he still has Steve Smith who is both very good at catching footballs and scaring the shit out of everyone. Seriously, Steve Smith will break your jaw if you look at him the wrong way.
There’s also a pretty good backfield tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to take the heat off of Newton when the team wants to pass. He’s obviously a threat to run and while that’s garnered him many Michael Vick comparisons, he’s probably not a threat to be broken in half every other play like Vick. Breaking news: Vick just scratched his arm and accidentally amputated it. A little bit fragile, that Vick.
I have to expect Newton will take a slight step back but I’m not really sure why other than I’m cynical and I expect good things to eventually suck. Cam might put up the first 3,000 yards passing/1,000 yards rushing season in the history of ever. He’s kind of good at what he does.
Norv Turner’s Last Stand
I have nothing against the San Diego Chargers. I don’t particularly care for them but I also don’t hate them. But Norv Turner has to go. How this guy has managed to keep his job is nothing short of incredible and the sad 
fact is that, when the Chargers underachieve and he’s finally fired at the end of the year, he’ll no doubt find some dumbass sad-sack franchise to hire him on as their head coach.
His history of ineptness and playoff letdowns are well known by now but if you didn’t know anything about Norv, the fact that there’s a meme called “Idiot Football Coach” with Norv’s picture plastered all over it (see right) should be the tipoff you were looking for. Good luck to the Chiefs who will undoubtedly hire Norv when they realize Romeo Crennel sucks.
Lions and Bengals in Competition to See Who Can Get Arrested More
The Bengals set a torrid pace from 2009-2011 with eight arrests and seemed to be taking over the mantle of the “Jail Blazers of the NFL”. Not so fast. The Lions, just now becoming respectable after 20+ years of being a laughinstock, decided to do one better by racking up seven arrests JUST THIS OFFSEASON.
Aaron Berry really did his part, getting a DUI and simple assault charges brought against him all inside of 30 days. Nick Fairley, too, racking up a marijuana possession as well as a DUI/evasion charge as well. Not to be outdone, Mikel Leshoure was arrested twice on marijuana possession. Johnny Culbreath was a slacker and only got busted once for marijuana.
I think we all know where this is leading. Ndamukong Suh will stomp a replacement referee to death after a blown call only no one will care because these replacement refs suck. I got your back, Suh!
Homerism Alert: The Bills Will Make The Playoffs
Yeah, you read it. Since the Mario Williams/Mark Anderson signings I’ve been saying it. John Clayton and others have since stepped up and predicted the same. The Buffalo Bills will end their playoff drout this season.
It’s not that I think this team is great but I think the re-vamped defense, the improved and healthy offensive line, and a healthy Fitzpatrick in combination with a weak schedule will do wonders for the Bills record. I still advance with some cautious optimism but this should look like a real team that actually belongs in most of its games. Of course, saying that, Williams will be a massive bust, injuries will destroy the team, and Fitzpatrick will throw 40 interceptions.
There are tons of storylines headed into the season and I’m sure that many more will emerge. See you at Suh’s stomping-death trial.
Grab Your Balls 