FOOTBAW! It’s here at long last, kicking off on September 6th with the Giants hosting the Cowboys.
After an entire summer of over-hyping stories because no one gives a shit about baseball, pretending to be interested by pre-season games, and hoping no one pulls a Korey Stringer at training camps across the country, we have a pretty good idea of what teams are going to look like.
I’m here to give you my opinion. Mind you, that opinion is probably incorrect as it is fueled by ignorance and a bit of hatred for all non-Bills teams and a lot of hatred for all New England based teams.
Let’s get this show on the road. A sidenote: this thing was originally supposed to be the entire league but it’s running long so I’m splitting it up with the NFC coming tomorrow.
New England Patriots — The Pats are annoyingly good. Tom Brady is 35 years old but he’s still the second best quarterback in the league. He throws to average white guys and turns guys like Deon Branch into functioning receivers before getting Brandon Lloyd this year. That’s in addition to the freakish, pornstar-banging tight end combo of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez.
Their defense was a joke but not one that makes you laugh, just one of those jokes that makes you uncomfortable and leaves you feeling awful you just heard it. But with their offense, they could trot out 11 paraplegics and still win 12 games. Record: 12-4
Buffalo Bills — I’m trying to remain a level-headed person in regards to my expectations for this year because I’m a Bills fan and while God may not hate Buffalo fans quite like Cleveland fans (at least we’ve made a Super Bowl), he still enjoys toying with us. If they remain healthy, the Bills will be a force. The offense is GOOD and should get better if the line remains in tact and Fitzpatrick has time to do more than worry about being murdered. The defense should be vastly improved provided the high-school-quality linebackers they’re starting don’t hamper the unit. And that schedule is soft as soft can be. The playoff drout, est. 1999, ends this year. Record: 10-6
New York Jets — I love everything they’re doing. Don’t shore up a terrible offensive line? Check. Undermine your young, struggling quarterback by bringing in a cultural icon to be his “backup”? Check. There aren’t enough foot fetish videos on the planet to keep Rex Ryan happy throughout this season. Can’t wait for Antonio Cromartie to fight a wide receiver to death then celebrate his victory by impregnating another woman. Record: 7-9
Miami Dolphins — Sweet Jeebus on a stick is this a poorly run franchise. Look, I get that they swung for Peyton Manning and missed. It happens. I get reaching for Ryan Tannehill (I don’t agree with it) but what I don’t get is why you would put this project of a quarterback in the fire and ruin him when you already know this season isn’t resulting in a playoff trip. But hey, can’t wait for their next “solution” at QB to follow in the long line of terrible quarterbacks this team has fielded. Record: 5-11
Pittsburgh Steelers — If Ben Roethlisberger gets anymore worn down, they’re going to need to create a predominantly cyborg body like he’s goddamn Darth Vader. I can already see Dan Rooney screaming “you were the chosen one!” Still, this team has talent even if it’s approaching the point where they need hospice care. They’ll manage to put together a decent season, get into the playoffs, and prominently lose in the Wild Card. Mike Wallace is guaranteed to ruin so many Fantasy Football teams this year, I feel like someone should just create fuckmikewallace.com and get it out of the way. Record: 9-7
Baltimore Ravens — No Terrell Suggs hurts the team, especially when the corpse of Ray Lewis is still starting at MLB and Ed Reed is guaranteed to miss a few games with 
various injuries. Their defense is still pretty good despite all that, mostly because Haloti Ngata murders everything in his path, and the offense is solid with potential to grow as long as Flacco and Rice play up to their levels. But someone, Torrey Smith probably, needs to step up at receiver since Anquan Boldin is already over the hill preparing to crash at the bottom of said hill. Record: 10-6
Cincinnati Bengals — AJ Green is a stud and Andy Dalton is going to be a good second-tier quarterback someday. But there’s no way a team this young can repeat their performance from last year. They really need the lawfirm of Benjarvis Green-Ellis to step up and hope that defense can repeat their sterling performance from last year. Oh and staying out of jail probably helps, too. Record: 8-8
Cleveland Browns — If I didn’t hate this team and city so much, I would feel sympathy for them. Actually, I wouldn’t, I’d just laugh at how much they sucked before remembering I’m a Bills fan and just looking at the floor. This team used a first round pick on a 28-year-old quarterback to follow their selection of a running back with bad knees. Jeebus, I really think this is the place where inept executives go to die. Potential subplot this year: Colt McCoy may secretly plot the murder of Brandon Wheeden so that he can gain the starting job, only to lose it when the new owner cleans house after the year. Good times! Record: 3-13
Houston Texans — Matt Schaub is still there. Ditto Andre Johnson and Arian Foster. Their defense will probably be pretty good again despite losing Mario Williams. And this division would be the weakest in the NFL if it weren’t for the abomination that is the NFC West. This team is going to run the shit out of the ball but the question will be if they can avoid the injury bug this year or at least do so at more opportune times. Record: 11-5
Tennessee Titans — Chris Johnson, who got fat and sucky as soon as he got paid, is supposedly back to his CJ2K
days. I remain skeptical because that guy has “fantasy murderer” written all over him. Kenny Britt can be scary but sometimes that’s because he’s driving with a .25 BAC and not because he’s good at catching footballs. Also, Jake Locker (Blaine Gabbert 2.0) is starting. What’s that? Pencil them in for 6-10? I couldn’t agree more. Record: 6-10
Jacksonville Jaguars — This team starts Blaine Gabbert 1.0 and is fighting with its only good player, Maurice Jones-Drew. They drafted a wide receiver who’s on pace to have more DUI’s than catches (Justin Blackmon). Not to mention this might be the most boring team in the NFL playing in one of the worst markets in the NFL. Just move these guys to LA already. Record: 5-11
Indianapolis Colts — So Andrew Luck looks like the real deal. I’m sure the fat, bandwagon fans in Indianapolis will love him soon enough even though they’re all still too busy whining about the team cutting Peyton Manning. Even though it was the smart move and the team is literally the luckiest in the league after getting 13 years of one of the greatest quarterbacks ever before seamlessly transitioning into the best quarterback prospect in 30 years. Fuck Indianapolis, they don’t deserve any of this. Record: 5-11
Denver Broncos — Speaking of Manning, his new team is horribly overrated but they play in a shoddy division where literally anyone could take it. He has weapons and a pretty solid defense but I remain leery of Manning and his ability to not get paralyzed. I do not look forward to constantly seeing shots of John Elway and his horseteeth whenever Manning is mentioned during broadcasts. Record: 9-7
San Diego Chargers — If Ryan Matthews’ injury wasn’t an omen, I don’t know what is. But the disappointment that 
will be the Chargers’ 2012 season has a silver lining: Norv Turner almost certainly has to get fired. I’m amazed he hasn’t so far. Few coaches screw up quite like Norv. Does he have pictures of owner Alex Spanos blowing a horse or something? His employment as an NFL head coach is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Record: 7-9
Kansas City Chiefs — People still think this is a potentially good team. Jamaal Charles is a fragile little man and backup Peyton Hillis is an overrated scrub. Matt Cassell should be kissing Bill Belichick’s ass on a daily basis for the contract the Chiefs gave him. And most importantly, Romeo Crennel is the head coach. Didn’t that experiment fail once already? But hey, he led the team to a win over the then-unbeaten Packers so surely he’s the man for the job! Enjoy your 6-10 season and about 3 weeks of a healthy Charles before he goes out for the year. Record: 6-10
Oakland Raiders — This team is the biggest wild card in the AFC. They have talent and definitely have potential. But can Carson Palmer really not throw 3 picks a game? Can Darren McFadden play more than six minutes without getting hurt? Will Al Davis’ zombie corpse rise from the dead and terrorize the Black Hole? I’d say the latter has a better chance of happening before a Raiders playoff appearance. Record: 7-9
Who’s going to come out of the AFC? I mean, it really looks like the Patriots and everybody else at this point. The Ravens are the closest but with no Suggs and a declining Boldin they’re not even really that close. Brady is still ridiculous, Belichick is still the best coach in football, and they somehow have an easy schedule despite being an elite team for a freakin’ decade now. Can someone Tonya Harding ol’ pretty boy’s knee, please? AFC Champion: New England Patriots
Grab Your Balls 