Week 2 NFL Thoughts: Welcome to the Irrationally Confident Club!

Week 2 in the NFL has passed and I find myself feeling drastically different thank I did in week 1. A win from one’s favorite team would do that. Not only that but a couple of legitimately interesting storylines have emerged and yours truly is gonna break them down.

Bills Turnaround? Look, I know you don’t care about the Bills. No one outside of Buffalo does. You know what though? I don’t care. This is MY space and I’m gonna do with it what I want. That said, the Bills looked GOOD against the Chiefs. Whether that is because they are figuring things out or because the Chiefs are terrible is another question. CJ Spiller went off again and has supplanted Fred Jackson (if the Bills are dumb enough to sit Spiller when Jackson comes back, I don’t know what I’m going to do) for the time being. Fitzpatrick still looks shaky and indecisive, which scares me, but he didn’t turn the ball over and was efficient enough(10/19, 178yds 2 TDs). THAT’S HOW WE DO IT AT HARVARD. The defense actually looked good until the garbage time but that was to be expected. The Bills should crush Cleveland on Sunday (I’ll be there) before they get annihilated by the Patriots in week 4. Speaking of those Patriots..

Bill Belichick is Sticking it to Wes Welker — Belichick is notorious for refusing to overpay and Wes Welker wants his dollar dollar bills, ya’ll. So it would seem that Welker is being phased out of the offense as evidenced by his 8 catches for 109 yards through the first two weeks. But he’s been targeted more than any other Patriot save Brandon Lloyd. And no matter how much Belichick loves him some two-tight-end sets, Kellen Winslow JR (SOLDIER!) isn’t a better option than the Mighty White. With Aaron Hernandez out of the picture for the next few weeks, Welker is going to get more targets unless Belichick enjoys hindering his own offense. Then again, he seems like a real prick so that wouldn’t surprise me.

The Eagles Can Only Get So Many Fluke Wins — I don’t care that they’re 2-0. They didn’t deserve to win week 1 against the Browns (THE BROWNS FERCHRISSAKES) and didn’t deserve to beat the Ravens on Sunday. Their defense is keeping them afloat but Vick is a turnover machine who is too stupid to slide or duck out of bounds to protect his body. Which is important because this team is NOT winning with Nick Foles. There is no way in hell this team can keep overcoming Vick’s turnovers (6 interceptions, 2 fumbles lost in 2 weeks) especially with a schedule that has no pushovers. Plus, they’re coached by Andy the Walrus whom Philly fans are hoping will finally be fired. If Vick keeps averaging 4 turnovers a game, trust me, it won’t be long before these clowns are losing.

Jay Cutler Cares Just Long Enough to Be a Total Prick — Jay Cutler always looks really disinterested. Particularly after he’s just thrown another interception and has to wait on the bench awhile before throwing another. Occasionally, though, he shows that fire. Granted, it’s not the good kind of fire. More like the “berate your teammates and then half-heartedly shove one of them out of anger and frustration” kind of fire. He really strikes me as the kind of guy who calls his offensive linemen “fat fucks” when they screw up. Just a feeling. People are high on the Bears this year but to be fair to Jay, the offensive line is a total shitshow and may or may not get him killed. I understand they finally have a legit #1 receiver in Brandon Marshall but if Cutler doesn’t even have a chance to find him what’s that gonna matter? Looking forward to many more stories about him going off on a teammate before being called out publicly following an awful loss.

The Replacement Refs Suck But Get Used to It — Steve Young put it best during last night’s Monday Night Football post-game show when he basically surmised that the NFL doesn’t care about the effect these replacement refs are having because you’ll watch anyways. And he’s right. Is anyone going to actually not watch football just because these guys take 28 minutes to make a call? Hell no. We’re going to sit there and stuff our fat faces while we bitch and moan about what’s happening but forget about it the second the next play starts. The NFL knows the replacement refs blow but they don’t want to (and won’t) pay the regulars to come back so just get used to a total clusterfuck from the refs. Besides, it’s not like it matters; you’re going to watch anyways. You could basically substitute the whole movie previews scene from this South Park episode with the current referee situation and it would be spot on. “Pass interference on number…28, no 47..no 99. What’s it matter? You’ll still watch, fuck you!”

San Francisco is Unquestionably Your Super Bowl Favorite — After walking into Green Bay and pretty much controlling the Packers followed by a truly stifling performance against Matt Stafford and the Lions on Sunday night, this team has to be the favorites. They just beat the shit out of people defensively. They don’t give up big plays and consistently pressure the quarterback. And everyone questioning Alex Smith? Not so much these days. Completing 70% of your passes for 429 yards, 4 TD’s and no interceptions will do that. Add in Frank Gore giving the finger to those who thought Kendall Hunter would fully supplant him (the two still share carries) and the offense is legitimately formidable. The Bills have them in week 5 and I already want to curl into a ball and drink.

I’ll be back next week to give you my thoughts on week 3 which will undoubtedly feature 3 more Michael Vick turnovers, a shootout between Eli Manning and Cam Newton, and Christian Ponder being put in a full body cast after facing the 49er defense.

Probably Incorrect AFC Predictions

FOOTBAW! It’s here at long last, kicking off on September 6th with the Giants hosting the Cowboys.

After an entire summer of over-hyping stories because no one gives a shit about baseball, pretending to be interested by pre-season games, and hoping no one pulls a Korey Stringer at training camps across the country, we have a pretty good idea of what teams are going to look like.

I’m here to give you my opinion.  Mind you, that opinion is probably incorrect as it is fueled by ignorance and a bit of hatred for all non-Bills teams and a lot of hatred for all New England based teams.

Let’s get this show on the road. A sidenote: this thing was originally supposed to be the entire league but it’s running long so I’m splitting it up with the NFC coming tomorrow.

New England Patriots — The Pats are annoyingly good. Tom Brady is 35 years old but he’s still the second best quarterback in the league. He throws to average white guys and turns guys like Deon Branch into functioning receivers before getting Brandon Lloyd this year.  That’s in addition to the freakish, pornstar-banging tight end combo of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez.

Their defense was a joke but not one that makes you laugh, just one of those jokes that makes you uncomfortable and leaves you feeling awful you just heard it.  But with their offense, they could trot out 11 paraplegics and still win 12 games.  Record: 12-4

Buffalo Bills — I’m trying to remain a level-headed person in regards to my expectations for this year because I’m a Bills fan and while God may not hate Buffalo fans quite like Cleveland fans (at least we’ve made a Super Bowl), he still enjoys toying with us.  If they remain healthy, the Bills will be a force. The offense is GOOD and should get better if the line remains in tact and Fitzpatrick has time to do more than worry about being murdered. The defense should be vastly improved provided the high-school-quality linebackers they’re starting don’t hamper the unit. And that schedule is soft as soft can be. The playoff drout, est. 1999, ends this year. Record: 10-6

New York Jets — I love everything they’re doing.  Don’t shore up a terrible offensive line? Check. Undermine your young, struggling quarterback by bringing in a cultural icon to be his “backup”? Check.  There aren’t enough foot fetish videos on the planet to keep Rex Ryan happy throughout this season. Can’t wait for Antonio Cromartie to fight a wide receiver to death then celebrate his victory by impregnating another woman. Record: 7-9

Miami Dolphins — Sweet Jeebus on a stick is this a poorly run franchise.  Look, I get that they swung for Peyton Manning and missed. It happens.  I get reaching for Ryan Tannehill (I don’t agree with it) but what I don’t get is why you would put this project of a quarterback in the fire and ruin him when you already know this season isn’t resulting in a playoff trip.  But hey, can’t wait for their next “solution” at QB to follow in the long line of terrible quarterbacks this team has fielded. Record: 5-11

Pittsburgh Steelers — If Ben Roethlisberger gets anymore worn down, they’re going to need to create a predominantly cyborg body like he’s goddamn Darth Vader.  I can already see Dan Rooney screaming “you were the chosen one!” Still, this team has talent even if it’s approaching the point where they need hospice care.  They’ll manage to put together a decent season, get into the playoffs, and prominently lose in the Wild Card. Mike Wallace is guaranteed to ruin so many Fantasy Football teams this year, I feel like someone should just create fuckmikewallace.com and get it out of the way. Record: 9-7

Baltimore Ravens — No Terrell Suggs hurts the team, especially when the corpse of Ray Lewis is still starting at MLB and Ed Reed is guaranteed to miss a few games with various injuries. Their defense is still pretty good despite all that, mostly because Haloti Ngata murders everything in his path, and the offense is solid with potential to grow as long as Flacco and Rice play up to their levels. But someone, Torrey Smith probably, needs to step up at receiver since Anquan Boldin is already over the hill preparing to crash at the bottom of said hill. Record: 10-6

Cincinnati Bengals — AJ Green is a stud and Andy Dalton is going to be a good second-tier quarterback someday.  But there’s no way a team this young can repeat their performance from last year.  They really need the lawfirm of Benjarvis Green-Ellis to step up and hope that defense can repeat their sterling performance from last year.  Oh and staying out of jail probably helps, too. Record: 8-8

Cleveland Browns — If I didn’t hate this team and city so much, I would feel sympathy for them.  Actually, I wouldn’t, I’d just laugh at how much they sucked before remembering I’m a Bills fan and just looking at the floor.  This team used a first round pick on a 28-year-old quarterback to follow their selection of a running back with bad knees.  Jeebus, I really think this is the place where inept executives go to die.  Potential subplot this year: Colt McCoy may secretly plot the murder of Brandon Wheeden so that he can gain the starting job, only to lose it when the new owner cleans house after the year.  Good times! Record: 3-13

Houston Texans — Matt Schaub is still there. Ditto Andre Johnson and Arian Foster. Their defense will probably be pretty good again despite losing Mario Williams.  And this division would be the weakest in the NFL if it weren’t for the abomination that is the NFC West.  This team is going to run the shit out of the ball but the question will be if they can avoid the injury bug this year or at least do so at more opportune times. Record: 11-5

Tennessee Titans — Chris Johnson, who got fat and sucky as soon as he got paid, is supposedly back to his CJ2K days.  I remain skeptical because that guy has “fantasy murderer” written all over him.  Kenny Britt can be scary but sometimes that’s because he’s driving with a .25 BAC and not because he’s good at catching footballs. Also, Jake Locker (Blaine Gabbert 2.0) is starting.  What’s that? Pencil them in for 6-10? I couldn’t agree more. Record: 6-10

Jacksonville Jaguars — This team starts Blaine Gabbert 1.0 and is fighting with its only good player, Maurice Jones-Drew.  They drafted a wide receiver who’s on pace to have more DUI’s than catches (Justin Blackmon). Not to mention this might be the most boring team in the NFL playing in one of the worst markets in the NFL. Just move these guys to LA already. Record: 5-11

Indianapolis Colts — So Andrew Luck looks like the real deal. I’m sure the fat, bandwagon fans in Indianapolis will love him soon enough even though they’re all still too busy whining about the team cutting Peyton Manning.  Even though it was the smart move and the team is literally the luckiest in the league after getting 13 years of one of the greatest quarterbacks ever before seamlessly transitioning into the best quarterback prospect in 30 years. Fuck Indianapolis, they don’t deserve any of this. Record: 5-11

Denver Broncos — Speaking of Manning, his new team is horribly overrated but they play in a shoddy division where literally anyone could take it. He has weapons and a pretty solid defense but I remain leery of Manning and his ability to not get paralyzed. I do not look forward to constantly seeing shots of John Elway and his horseteeth whenever Manning is mentioned during broadcasts.  Record: 9-7

San Diego Chargers — If Ryan Matthews’ injury wasn’t an omen, I don’t know what is.  But the disappointment that will be the Chargers’ 2012 season has a silver lining:  Norv Turner almost certainly has to get fired. I’m amazed he hasn’t so far. Few coaches screw up quite like Norv.  Does he have pictures of owner Alex Spanos blowing a horse or something? His employment as an NFL head coach is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Record: 7-9

Kansas City Chiefs — People still think this is a potentially good team. Jamaal Charles is a fragile little man and backup Peyton Hillis is an overrated scrub.  Matt Cassell should be kissing Bill Belichick’s ass on a daily basis for the contract the Chiefs gave him. And most importantly, Romeo Crennel is the head coach.  Didn’t that experiment fail once already?  But hey, he led the team to a win over the then-unbeaten Packers so surely he’s the man for the job! Enjoy your 6-10 season and about 3 weeks of a healthy Charles before he goes out for the year. Record: 6-10

Oakland Raiders — This team is the biggest wild card in the AFC. They have talent and definitely have potential.  But can Carson Palmer really not throw 3 picks a game? Can Darren McFadden play more than six minutes without getting hurt? Will Al Davis’ zombie corpse rise from the dead and terrorize the Black Hole? I’d say the latter has a better chance of happening before a Raiders playoff appearance. Record: 7-9

Who’s going to come out of the AFC? I mean, it really looks like the Patriots and everybody else at this point. The Ravens are the closest but with no Suggs and a declining Boldin they’re not even really that close. Brady is still ridiculous, Belichick is still the best coach in football, and they somehow have an easy schedule despite being an elite team for a freakin’ decade now. Can someone Tonya Harding ol’ pretty boy’s knee, please? AFC Champion: New England Patriots

8 NFL Sub-Plots in 2012

We’re a week away from September already, which, thank Jeebus. Ignoring baseball and the olympics has kept me busy all summer and I’m ready for some FOOTBAW. As a Bills fan, I have feelings of hope and expectations for my team which are both foreign and frightening.

This year’s season has a ton of interesting subplots that deserve covering (at least to me and that’s all that matters).  Some have been discussed ad nauseum, some not nearly enough or at all.  Well I’m going to fix that by beating already dead horses and creating a few more. Let’s jump in.

Saints Bountygate

Yeah, I’m well aware the whole Bountygate thing has been beaten to death many times over but it’s going to be something that will be talked about all season because several teams have guys suspended for large chunks of the season and the Saints will be without head coach Sean Payton for the entire year.

Roger Goodell needs to be stopped.  You care about player safety but the prospect of additional games is still out there?  Totally seems like you’re interested in player safety, Roger. These are grown men who expect to be functioning retards when their playing careers are over.  Let them bash every brain cell they have out of their skulls for my entertainment. I paid good money (got it for free but that’s semantics!) for this NFL Sunday Ticket!

Look, I get why the suspensions were handed out and a big deal was made of this whole thing.  But let’s face facts here — NFL players know they’re playing a violent game that will ultimately destroy their bodies and, in some cases, their minds.  NFL fans mostly just want to see a bunch of big guys beat the shit out of each other.  The few fans left over to ride their high-horses can ride them off a cliff. I WANT BLOOD.

Tebowing All Over the Sanchize

I’d rather hear about Bountygate and Bountygate only for the next five years if I never have to hear another goddamn report about Jesus appearing before Tim Tebow while he takes a holy dump or talk that Mark Sanchez might be replaced because he sucks at his job (he really is awful at what he does).  If any angle deserved minimal to no coverage, it was this shitshow.

Anyone expecting Tebow to repeat his season-long miracle from 2011 is a full-fledged idiot. NO ONE knows how the hell he did what he did last year other than crazy Christians who believe God influenced that awful throwing motion to go 2/13 every game.  He’s a glorified H-Back right now and probably wouldn’t even be good at that. But I don’t even hate him.  He unintentionally trolls every former-player-turned-talking-head everytime he wins.  Steve Young looked like he was one more unbelieveable Tebow performance away from murdering Tim and pissing on his grave.  Hi-larious.

As for Mark Sanchez, well, he’ll continue to blow.  Because that’s what he does. And any tard who continues to say he “led” them to two AFC title games needs to realize that the team did it IN SPITE of the Sanchize. That defense was awesome for a little while and almost dragged the Dirty Sanchize to a Super Bowl. Which would have been a friggin’ travesty. God, I hate Mark Sanchez.

Peyton Manning Has a New Team

What? You didn’t know this? We’ve only heard the same news reports since goddamn January.  Yes, Peyton Manning has a new team.  No, we don’t really know how his neck is or if he’ll be anything close to the guy who threw for 40 TDs a year before throwing a crippling interception in the divisional round. What we do know is that he was the only man who could have possibly killed Tebowmania in Denver and he did just that. I bet John Elway would’ve offered to blow Manning to get him to Denver just to get rid of Tebow. Horse Teeth hated him some Tebow.

Manning will have weapons to work with — a solid running game with Willis McGahee and Knowshon Moreno, a potential gamebreaker in Demaryius Thomas, and I’m sure he’ll turn Eric Decker into the next “scrappy white guy receiver” that guys like Gregg Easterbrook jerk off to at night.  I fully expect the Broncos to make the playoffs before suffering a meltdown and bowing out in round one.

Rookie QBs Galore

What originally was supposed to be two definite rookie starting quarterbacks heading into the draft has somehow turned into four definite opening day starters with a potential fifth in the works. Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III were predestined to start for whoever took them but they’ll be joined by Brandon Wheeden, Ryan Tannehill, and possibly Russell Wilson.

Luck and Griffin are world-class talents and have been talked about to death so there’s not much to add there.  But the others? What the hell happened with the organizations in Cleveland, Miami, and Seattle that things are run so ass-backwards? Cleveland took Wheeden, who’s about four years away from retirement.  Ryan Tannehill was a wide receiver just two years ago and should be sitting on the bench all year but I guess there’s not a lot to learn when the guys ahead of you are Matt Moore and David Garrad. RIP to Tannehill’s career but hey, at least he has a really hot wife. As for Wilson, I actually like him as a player but what does this say about Matt Flynn that the guy the team just gave all this money to can’t even get handed the job? Flynn should wear a top hat and a moustache to practice every day, twirling it while he maniacally laughs at the heist he pulled off on the franchise.  Haven’t seen a robbery like that since The Dark Knight.

Can Cam Newton Make The Leap?

Newton, a rookie last year, put up ridiculous stats last year: 4,051 passing yards, 35 total touchdowns (14 of them rushing), 700+ rushing yards. Can he possibly repeat that or somehow surpass it?  Well, he still has Steve Smith who is both very good at catching footballs and scaring the shit out of everyone. Seriously, Steve Smith will break your jaw if you look at him the wrong way.

There’s also a pretty good backfield tandem of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to take the heat off of Newton when the team wants to pass.  He’s obviously a threat to run and while that’s garnered him many Michael Vick comparisons, he’s probably not a threat to be broken in half every other play like Vick.  Breaking news: Vick just scratched his arm and accidentally amputated it. A little bit fragile, that Vick.

I have to expect Newton will take a slight step back but I’m not really sure why other than I’m cynical and I expect good things to eventually suck. Cam might put up the first 3,000 yards passing/1,000 yards rushing season in the history of ever. He’s kind of good at what he does.

Norv Turner’s Last Stand

I have nothing against the San Diego Chargers. I don’t particularly care for them but I also don’t hate them.  But Norv Turner has to go.  How this guy has managed to keep his job is nothing short of incredible and the sad fact is that, when the Chargers underachieve and he’s finally fired at the end of the year, he’ll no doubt find some dumbass sad-sack franchise to hire him on as their head coach.

His history of ineptness and playoff letdowns are well known by now but if you didn’t know anything about Norv, the fact that there’s a meme called “Idiot Football Coach” with Norv’s picture plastered all over it (see right) should be the tipoff you were looking for.  Good luck to the Chiefs who will undoubtedly hire Norv when they realize Romeo Crennel sucks.

Lions and Bengals in Competition to See Who Can Get Arrested More

The Bengals set a torrid pace from 2009-2011 with eight arrests and seemed to be taking over the mantle of the “Jail Blazers of the NFL”.  Not so fast.  The Lions, just now becoming respectable after 20+ years of being a laughinstock, decided to do one better by racking up seven arrests JUST THIS OFFSEASON.

Aaron Berry really did his part, getting a DUI and simple assault charges brought against him all inside of 30 days.  Nick Fairley, too, racking up a marijuana possession as well as a DUI/evasion charge as well. Not to be outdone, Mikel Leshoure was arrested twice on marijuana possession. Johnny Culbreath was a slacker and only got busted once for marijuana.

I think we all know where this is leading.  Ndamukong Suh will stomp a replacement referee to death after a blown call only no one will care because these replacement refs suck.  I got your back, Suh!

Homerism Alert: The Bills Will Make The Playoffs

Yeah, you read it.  Since the Mario Williams/Mark Anderson signings I’ve been saying it. John Clayton and others have since stepped up and predicted the same.  The Buffalo Bills will end their playoff drout this season.

It’s not that I think this team is great but I think the re-vamped defense, the improved and healthy offensive line, and a healthy Fitzpatrick in combination with a weak schedule will do wonders for the Bills record. I still advance with some cautious optimism but this should look like a real team that actually belongs in most of its games. Of course, saying that, Williams will be a massive bust, injuries will destroy the team, and Fitzpatrick will throw 40 interceptions.

There are tons of storylines headed into the season and I’m sure that many more will emerge.  See you at Suh’s stomping-death trial.